First of all, (let’s catch this wave)
Thank you so much for all the views in the last two posts, for sharing, for all the active mind blowing conversations. I love you all.
So today is chapos Sunday at my house, as it is in most Kenyan homes. I don’t know what it is about chapos on a Sunday but they just make it glorious. Now, chapos Sunday means catching up with mum, and mother-daughter catching up is on another level. The mother-daughter bond in my view is unlike normal friendships. So we are talking and church vibes come up.
I come from a church that is a bit mainstream. My church is so extra they give us membership cards so that if your employer wants proof you go to church you show them your card. They even write you a letter if you need one! At the same time my church is strict, not you’ll not get in with a trouser strict, but there are some things that can’t happen in my church.
Which brings us to today’s post.
As we made chapos, well as I made the chapos since it was my turn (my chapos are pretty decent thus far, yeeey!) My mum was filling me in on what has been happening in church. In the course of our conversation she mentioned that to serve in the Women’s group you couldn’t be someone’s second wife because the church sees second wives as home wreckers, sadly.
At the same time I found out that even as a man at my church you cannot serve in a men’s group. Which is a bit fair since it goes both ways. You can’t be a deacon or an elder.
We all know the law changed and allowed for polygamy, so a man can have a second wife in Kenya. I believe my church was one of those that was against this piece of legislation.
So the question is, ladies would you be someone’s second wife? Guys would you marry a second wife?
I don’t know what I’d feel about being a second wife, the idea alone of being a side chic makes me cringe. It’s like being plan B to someone. I don’t think I have been one but can you imagine a guy only needs you when main babe is moody, or main babe is working or main babe is not being generous! That right there I personally cannot stomach. Jesus did not die for you baby girl to be plan B. The scary part is, even ladies have side-boyfriends! This world we live in smh.
Let me not digress.
There are those women who don’t mind. I haven’t been fortunate to meet one and hear their side of the story yet, but it works for them. You’d be shook side girlfriends (I won’t use vulgar language) are the ones who get the ring! I don’t know what goes on really and I need testament to even comprehend this.
In our African culture however, it is very acceptable to have more than one wife. That’s the loophole the law makers used. You can contract a monogamous marriage whether civil or Christian, then if Mr. hubby decides you are not enough he can take up another mami through a polygamous marriage. And it gets better, this second mami upon Mr. hubby’s death can inherit from him together with her children so all the hard work you put in with Mr. Hubby is shared out. Even if not equally. But who has the time to go to court and start calculating I contributed more than wife number 2? That hustle is too much! But it happens.
Now I don’t want to lecture on Customary law, but the thought of having another woman sleep with my man in her bed then when it’s my shift I do the same is not appealing. Or I make dinner tonight and don’t on Friday because it’s her turn to cook. Or we both go to a social gathering then someone calls out, ‘Mrs. X’ then both of us turn, eeeeehhh please. Let alone explaining to the kids that they have a second mum.
It’s like a second job!
Isn’t marriage meant to be sacred? I know it’s very easy for guys to makes a cultural argument and say ‘they have no capacity to stay with one woman’ and bring the question of, ‘ would I rather cheat behind your back’. What if women did the same thing? The days of Wangu wa Makeri (if my history serves me right) where she had wives and sat on men’s back. She was so extra her wives called her ‘our husband!’Now that would be site to behold, a woman with two hubby’s, I think men would flee to another planet if that saw the light of day.
Christianity says no to having a second wife, somehow other religions have made it work and I verily respect. But these other religions have structures in place that make it cohesive. They have such a clear outline. Out here people just get shook that their hubby’s have another wife coming home without a manual and hear there was a traditional wedding a month before.
I may be biased because of how I am brought up, my religion and the few hundreds of days that I’ve walked on this earth. I may not fully comprehend why one may be a second wife. For that naivety I apologize. Particularly because I have not heard from the opposite side.
I have however learnt one thing this week as I reposted on my Snapchat this evening, ‘anyone can be replaceable; trick is to make yourself so valuable that replacing you is a loss.’ So future wives, abeg take care of your men, be the Proverbs 31 woman, be so valuable to your man the thought of second wife wouldn’t cross his mind. Build with him, don’t pull him down! And most of all pray for your man so that you cut these things off at the grassroots. He who finds a wife finds a good thing right? Be her!
Also, if on the flip side you know of anyone who has made it work as a second wife? Contact me! I’m open to listening to any brilliant stories out there and understanding the logic even though I may not agree based on my belief.
Have a beautiful week, remember to spread love always.
First of all, (let’s catch this wave)