2300hrs thoughts

I hate funerals,

I didn’t know this until this year when there have been so many deaths,

I fail to comprehend how there seem to be more funeral invites than weddings this year,

I’ve lost track of how many people have lost someone this year,

The mourning is to much and sometimes we wonder, where is our comforter?

Why does He seem so close yet so far?

I never did know what it felt like to lose someone,

The fear of letting go,

The torture from the endless videos and pictures on slideshow in your head,

The feeling of  failure from not saving our loved ones from the jaws of death.

I hate the loud thud when the priest drops sand in the grave,

More so when he says, “ashes to ashes and dust to dust”

I hate it when the Kikuyu women sing “gukua no mohaka tugakua” (everyone will have to die)

I hate it when ‘Sarah’ ceases to be Sarah and becomes ‘the body’,

And I really don’t comprehend how wicked souls anticipate the death of others

If i could would I not save all the families from anguish?

If I could wouldn’t I see to it everyone lives forever?

Unfortunately, that’s not my job,

It’s God’s job,

He’s the one who can answer the questions running through my brain

And we may blame it on the year being a horrid one

We may say its old age,

Maybe even defend death with the “it was his/her time” line

Either way I still don’t understand why I can’t stomach the term ‘condolences’

I fathom not why I cannot say sorry to bereaved,

i’d rather ask if they are okay, if they need a set of ears or a pair of eyes for a chat.

Is its because I hated those words when they were said to me?

‘I’m sorry for your loss… ‘ ‘My condolences to you and your family…’ when I lost my grandad

Why would anyone want to remind you over and over again that someone left you,

do they need to rub it in so much,

is it a rite of passage that needs to be so pronounced?

Or am I just taking it all the wrong way?

I could be wrong,

or…

I could speak for someone who can’t stand these words in the light of day

Maybe all these distorted thoughts may have no angle of inclination to help fixate the angle of elevation

the angle where i’m coming from…

maybe my brain just needs to reboot…

But i’m sure I speak for someone even if its one in seven billion.

@glynismaina